Time. We all struggle with it. I've always treated it as precious – along the lines of a resource, not to be wasted. A silver lining of my December surgery and recovery time was that it forced me to wipe my schedule clean. For a few weeks, I was free to repopulate my time/life with only those things that were most important to me. That consisted mostly of time with my sweet babies, loving friends, long-neglected books and my deepest thoughts. For the past few weeks, I have been in the process of wading back into the stream of my life. While I am at nearly the same point on the riverbank, the flow is vastly different in so many of the details. What that river dumps into is much more critical to me than ever before. Throughout my recovery, the elephant in the sanctuary has always been time- the future and how much of it I have.
The question of a time horizon is like a second set of glasses through which I see my world. Recently, my cousin in Croatia was urging me to follow my gut and take a shorter-term view (i.e., live for today) on a financial question in my life. That decision is a microcosm of how I might live in my new reality. Do I live more for today or keep planning for my retirement at 65? Coming out of that exchange, I realized that I am in a position not unlike most of the people I know. These are questions we all ask ourselves and answer on an ongoing basis. None of us know what tomorrow might bring. The main difference is that I cannot deny that fact anymore. I can't live as if my remaining days are countless as I did before - as many of us do.
I know that God has given me many blessings, and they all exist in this moment. The future and past are beyond my grasp. Yesterday and tomorrow are just distractions.
As Matthew writes - " Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. ".
I do have a greater focus on the short-term, but that has less to do with the possibility that I might die of my cancer anytime soon. (I don't believe that to be true.) The renewed urgency comes because life is truly short – even the 'nother 42 years of it I am counting on enjoying.
I believe that God put each of us here for a reason. He gave us gifts to use. He gave us a whole world to enjoy. I know what those gifts are and I am trying to figure out what my reason for being is (beyond raising my kids to make this world a better place.) I've been praying for God to send me a big arrow to direct me. In the meantime, time keeps ticking.